Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

So inspired right now.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight