I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
every single time
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*