I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.