Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.