Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

Baking is just science you can eat.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.