I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.