I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”