Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

Ferrari squats

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

December birthdays be like…

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.