Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*