I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I love it
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
