Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles