I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.