I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Real House Wines.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.