I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind