Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

So we got a goldfish…

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.