Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

yeah no that’s fair

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.