Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

long lost

Seems legit.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.