I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!