Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.