I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.