Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.