Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

The 6 types of sex

yea so i messed up lol

when dads have a rap battle

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle