Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

You learn something every day

all that yoga finally paid off

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.