I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.![]()
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
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In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Sorted
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first