Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone