I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You Might Also Like
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.