I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I’d hang this in my house.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Not today. 😅
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out