Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”