I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I’d hang this in my house.
