I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?