I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
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holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”