Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I love you to the refrigerator and back
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.