I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.