Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.