I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!
I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.
In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”
“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.