@drinksmcgee

I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.

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@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!

@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@jessokfine

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

@Book_Krazy

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

@scarebro

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@Remember_Sarah

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

@WKirkMarshall

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

@OneFunnyMummy

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.