Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Sticker placement is key.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.