@pro_worrier_

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

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@amanda_poops

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

@iluvyogacats

Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*
D: GLASSES!
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!

@dumbbeezie

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

@Parkerlawyer

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

@grain_death

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

@Scarlet_Rose67

Me: I have a younger sister but she’s nothing like me.

Him: Wow, she sounds perfect.

@jazz_inmypants

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.

Everyone:

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.