I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.