What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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what day is it?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.