Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Need this in my life lol

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts