I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
You Might Also Like
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My neck, my back, my…
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
can’t wait til they legalize outside
🐟✨ #re4
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?