Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.