I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked