Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Festive toon…

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”