Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.