Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

New menu item

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Happy Halloween 🎃

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”