I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late