I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
me logging onto twitter
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart