i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
our love story in four pictures
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?