I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles