I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.