I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.