Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

this is the greatest thing ever

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.