Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.