Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.