Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out