i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.