Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.