Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

“We will wed,” I threatened

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE