Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife