I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???