Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Planet of the Apps.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.