Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”