I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Welcome
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.