I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
😂🍻
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: