Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously