Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

sry

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.