I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
me adding lol on a serious message
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”