I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.