I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT