I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
#catsoftwitter
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Oddly specific
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?