I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
same bro
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good