I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*